Last night I was at my favorite sports bar watching the NCAA games.   I was dressed in my Jackie Moon Flint Tropics jersey (Semi-Pro) which tends to draw attention to me. 

As is my nature, I drew even more attention to myself by talking smack to the biggest guy in the bar.  I think I was bitter he stood out even more than me.  How is this possible?  This guy was, at a minimum, 6’9″ and well north of 3 bills (300 lbs.).  He was mammoth.  He was the size of Thunderlips in Rocky III.  He was also wearing a mount st. mary’s “jersey”.  Well, I think it was a jersey.  It might have been a tablecloth for all I know.  His jersey size had more X’s in it than a porno movie.  To summarize, this guy was Paul Bunyon.

Paul, or PB, decided to start trash-talking back at the Weekend Warrior.  You just don’t do that.  Does he know I’ve arm-curled guys the size of Jeff Allen?  In other words, about half Bunyon’s size.  So I did the only thing I could do: I challenged him to an arm wrestling match, right there in the bar. 

I’ve had a lot of bad ideas in my day, and I think my friends quickly thought this was the worst.  As I hurried by them telling them to come watch me arm wrestle Paul Bunyon, I got some odd looks.  My friends were clearly concerned I was going to get my arm ripped completely from my body for Paul’s amusement.  Then, their concern quickly turned to excitement and anticipation, “He’s going to get his arm ripped completely from his body!  This is gonna be awesome!”

So Paul and I quickly commandeered a table to have the contest on.  That is to say, Bunyon told a group at a table that they better get up or he would throw them across the bar.  They believed him.

Quickly we locked arms and prepared for battle.  Or should I say I locked my hand with his tree trunk.  I needed a step ladder to reach his arm.  Early in the match, he took the advantage.  For those of you that don’t know arm wrestling (communists), most matches last about 2 seconds.  It is not an endurance sport.  But I hung tough.  Forced on the defensive, I kept battling.  I had technique on my side.  Plus, this isn’t the first bar arm wrestling match I’ve been in. 

Bunyon and I battled for about 25-30 seconds, an eternity in arm wrestling.  I actually started gaining on him, working back to even, with support from the crowd growing for the underdog.  But after a while, I knew I wasn’t going to overpower him.  I had to try one last drastic, desperate measure.  I had to go… Over the Top!  For those of you that don’t know what I’m talking about, there is a movie from the ’80s where Sly Stallone plays a trucker that enters an arm wrestling tournament.  Yeah, it’s that great!  I own it on DVD!

Anyway, the “over the top” move is to loosen your fingers and try to grab his hand high on the fingers, grabbing them in a weak spot.  Worked for Sly in the movie.  Didn’t work for me.  I finally got pinned.

Defeated, I walked away.  But I had clearly won the crowd and the respect of Paul Bunyon.  Truthfully, I would have rather won the match.  I quickly started thinking of how I needed to train harder.

After that, the bar turned into an arm wrestling tournament.  But I had nothing left to prove.  I moved on and played an arcade version of bean bag toss (it really exists).  I had made Jackie Moon proud.  And as I write this, I can’t lift my right arm.  At least it is still connected to my shoulder.

Weekend Warrior’s Bar Arm Wrestling Record:

• vs. men: 6-6
• vs. women: 5-0

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